Saturday, November 04, 2000

My loneliness consumes me. I don't know what to do anymore. Blah. Oh well. My ear is burning. My stupid bitch of a mom slapped me… heh. My love didn't call me tonight. I guess that means tomorrow? Fuck if I know. He's out living his life without me. Long distance relationships suck. He said that he'd move out here, but turns out that was just talk. I guess I'm going to have to go out there…I don't know if that's an option yet. I don't know what I know anymore.
Kevin came over to fix my dad's computer right…and I felt stupid because all he did was put some stupid recovery disk in and boom it worked. Oh well, now I know for next time. Plus now I have a new hard drive to play with…even though its only 4 gig.
I feel like crying and I don't know why. I hate this. I feel like I did a year ago; like I was lost in a pit of despair never to find my way out, never to see the light of day again. What to do, what to do.

What is it about me that makes people not want to be around me? I can't figure it out. Why do I not have friends? It seems everyone else does. Everyone is happy but me. I'm jealous of those who have people to tell everything to. I want a best friend. I want someone I can trust with anything and everything. My bf, I dunno, sometimes I don't feel like I can tell him everything…I guess I just think he wont understand. I don't know. It's like when I find someone I think may be friend worthy, they turn out to be someone I don't want to associate with. I don't need people in my life that are just out to get something from me. Charise was like that. I only existed to her when she wanted something or when she had a problem. She is dead to me. That boy from NOVA, hell I don't even remember his stupid name, lets just call him annoying boy, he was one of those user people. And more recently, at school I met this guy, Phil, and well he only talked to me when he was getting something out of it, or if he wanted something. When I said no I didn't have any or access to any of what he wanted, well that was the end of that. He's dead to me now too.
I'm having trouble relating to my bf. He needs to be here, this is getting unbearable. He has such a life, he has everything, well except me there, and I'm quite jealous of that. I hate jealousy, that emotion shits me to tears. When I'm jealous I tend to push that person away, no good can come of that. I love him with all of my heart. I've never felt this way before about another human being. It scares me that something is going to happen to push us apart. When I think about that I start thinking about if that happens I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I hate myself.